Divorce

You can fall out of love, but can you fall back into it? Many people think that the reason others get divorced is because they no longer love each other, and that is why we have so many in our day. Up to 50% right? Wrong. The reality is that 75% of everyone who gets married stays married. Some of the reasons however that people get divorced are these:

• Low socioeconomic status
• low income
• Cohabitated before-more like tying a bow than a knot. The latter is harder to undo. 
• Divorced once before
• Parents were divorced

There are six stations of divorce. Emotional Divorce: When a couple no longer feels emotionally attached to the other, they separate. Legal Divorce: A couple meets with the court and legally decides to end the marriage. Economic Divorce: Both parties get equal amount of econmic support. Cooparental Divorce: When both parents get rights to the children. Community Divorce: When the couple's divorce is known by their community, and sides are chosen, and Physic Divorce.

After about 2 years, there are three different things that happen to 70% of divorced people: They regret that it happened, men tend to remarry faster than women, and then 5 years after both parties have adjusted and gotten through it.

Effects of Divorce on Children
There are many negative effects that divorce has on children. These include:

• They have to choose between parents.
• Tend to a mediator between parents.
• They're school work falters.
• They try harder to please their parents.
• They receive a loss of resources-or loss of access to one of their parents.
• Sometimes parentification can occur-When a parent uses an older child as a confidant.
• Children sometimes blame themselves for divorce.
• 60% of children live with people other than their parents.
• Boys have more problems generally because they spend more time with mom rather than their dad.

Sometimes divorce is necessary. But for those who are able to work through it, I encourage you to do so.

Children: Are they REALLY an inheritance unto the Lord?

Imagine you are the proud parent of two teenage daughters. One of them is very energetic, constantly demands your attention, and getting into trouble. The other is more passive, keeps to herself, and rarely misbehaves. One day, you are running around, trying to get everything done, and realize you forgot to pick up something for dinner. You can’t find the car keys, so you grab the spare, and run out the door. Only to find that one of your daughter’s took the car to the mall. How do you react? Do you wait until your daughter gets home in order to yell at her, or do you shrug your shoulders, nonchanlantly, and choose something else to make for dinner? Or, do you wait for your daughter to get home and have a discussion about when it is ok for her to take the car, and that you already had set rules for when she would be allowed to use it?

Depending on your answer will determine what parenting style you are most likely to use. There are three, but only two were mentioned this week. Authoritarian, Passive, and Authoritative.

Authoritarian: Also known as the dictator. These parents demand that their children obey and respect them, without having to give respect in return.

Passive: These parents feel that it is better for their children to learn through doing whatever feels right to them. They tend to take a backseat approach to parenting.

Authoritative: These parents discuss rules with their children, as well as consequences, and determine together what needs to happen when misbehavior occurs. They also expect to give respect when respect is given to them.

Children are “an heritance unto the Lord” and deserve to be raised by parents who are knowledgeable and understand how to teach them to become functioning members of society. In today’s world, it is becoming more and more popular for parents to leave their children to be taught and raised by babysitters, teachers, and technology. Let us do our best so that we may one day be able to stand confidently before God, and know that we helped his child to become the best that they could be in this life.

Food for thought: If the spirits God is sending to Earth don’t come to us, where do they go?

I'm not a muppet I'm a......mop?

Imagine you have graduated from College with a Bachelor's Degree in Teacher Education. You are now a teacher, trying to handle a group of rumbuctious kindergarteners. You start dating a wonderful man and fall in love. You get married and continue to work, until one day you find out that you are expecting. You decide to quite work and focus on being a stay at home mom. Your fellow faculty members begin asking you why you are just going to "throw" away your degree to instead begin a mind-numbing job of taking care of kids 24/7. What do you propose? Is taking care of children and a home a "mindnumbing" occupation?
This is what I have found, and what I believe. We read two articles this week on the subject, and these are my insights. The two articles can be found at the bottom of the page if anyone else is interested. :)

Mind for a mop: This article was very well written! I am glad that someone took a stand and let those who are criticizing the role of homemaker and mother know what really goes on within the walls of our own home. During this article, when the author pointed out that women may even get more intellectual stimulation from being in the home than in the workplace, it reminded me of both my mom and aunt. They are some of the smartest people I know, and I am able to go to them about advice all the time about such topics as motherhood, teaching children in both a school and home setting, cooking, and especially spiritual matters, which are most important.

Education: In the second article, I found myself agreeing wholeheartedly to everything that was said. With a college education, I feel like wives and mothers are able to be an even greater influence on their children, and help them to become what Heavenly Father wants them to be. It not only gives children a better appreciation for education, it helps them to become more functioning members of society. I loved the way the author talked about how children whose mothers teach them have stronger health, language skills, and socio-emotional skills as well.

Personal: I know that I will be a very different mother because of the things I am learning, and applying. I am very grateful that I have had the opportunity to pursue an education without trying to juggle a family at the same time. I feel like I am better preparing myself so that I can be the best that I can be for my future children. I personally am really excited to raise a family and help them to become members of society who see the good in people, and help them to succeed. 

Mind for a mop: http://www.dennisprager.com/does-a-full-time-homemaker-swap-her-mind-for-a-mop/

Power of Communication

Imagine you hear about a big dance in two weeks, and tell your husband you'd like to go. He agrees. The day of, you pick out a beautiful dress, and lay it on the bed. You then go get your hair and nails done, and do your makeup extra special like. An hour before the dance, you waltz into the living room right as your husband plops down on the couch to watch the NBA Basketball game. "Why aren't you ready?!" You shout at him. "We have to leave in 30 minutes!" He looks at you, confused. "Ready for what? And why are you all dressed up?" You glare at him. "For the dance tonight! You promised we could go!" " What dance? I never promised anything!" he retorts. Now you're really angry. Stamping your foot, you yell, "we planned this two weeks ago! How could you forget?!"
Alright ladies and gents, what's the matter with this scenario? How is this couple communicating with each other, and are they getting the point across? It seems to me, that the wife decided to go to this dance, and her husband agreed, but then she never reminded him. Instead she assumed that he would remember, and hoped the little hints (the dress, hair, and makeup) would make him realize her expectations. This my friends is called mis-communication. The wife planned to spend the evening dancing, and her husband planned on watching Basketball. Neither of them is complying to the other, and instead of apologizing and trying to understand the other, their fight will continue to escalate, when the problem would have easily been solved with a little reminder a few days before, and again two hours before. There are quite a few ways that couples communicate with each other in order to get what they want. In other words, how we exert power over another.
1. Coersive: Manipulating another to get what you want, such as saying something like, "I won't kiss you anymore if you don't take out the trash."
2. Reward: "If you help me do the dishes, I'll make your favorite dessert."
3. Legitimate: It makes sense. "You'll do your laundry because if you don't, you won't have any clean clothes to wear."
4. Refferant: Similiar to the word Reverent. It refers to wanting to meet the need's of the other person.
5. Informational: You inform the other person why your decision is the correct one, such as telling your spouse why its better to buy a Chihuahua if your living in an apartment rather than a Great Dane.
6. Expert: You rely on the other person's decisions because they know everything about that particular subject, such as having your spouse be responsible for finances.

Family Coping during Crisis

Have you ever witnessed what happens when mentos are mixed with coke? The mentos cause the soda to slowly build up until it finally explodes. This is much like the way we would describe a pileup in a family crisis. Its basically a bunch of small stressors that pile up on a family until the members can't take it anymore, and they "explode" in their own way. Some people deny that anything bad happened. Its their way of protecting themselves from being hurt. While a little bit of denial yes, can be a protection mechanism, after awhile it can do more damage than good. For example, if a child dies, the natural first step of denial is a normal occurence. But if the denial continues, it can eat away at the person experiencing it. Another form of "exlpoding" or I guess the proper term is "coping" would be avoidance. Again, avoiding a situation for a little while can be a good thing, it allows the person to "take a breather" and think about their reaction. But avoidance for too long can cause a person to completely withdraw from those around them, and eventually the hurt can lead to depression and intense loneliness. These are not helpful feelings when trying to heal. Perhaps the most helpful way of coping would be a hope of the future. Again, going back to the example of experiencing the death of a child, having a belief that you will one day see that child again brings hope, and allows for healing. It does not take away the sadness, but it does strengthen our faith that everything will be ok. It allows us to carry on in the face of adversity, it shows resilience. I truly believe that a family's ability to be strong during crisis is their attitude. Happiness gives you a strength you never knew you had, and helps you to stay strong for your family and help others, which brings added strength. For those of you reading this, please know that there is hope. "hard times comes, but there is help and happiness ahead."
                                                                                                                                     ~Elder Holland.

Physical Intimacy in Marriage a Sacred Act

This week was, well, to say the least, interesting. Lol. We learned about Physical Intimacy within marriage, and while it was informative, it was also a little awkward. Let's just say I feel more prepared I guess. A few things that I found interesting in regards to this topic were the fact that the way men and women think plays a role in physical intimacy. Women are accustomed to thinking about many different things at once, while men focus on one thing at a time. While the wife may be worried that the kids are still awake, or what she needs to plan for her young women, her husband is only focused on being with his wife, and many times probably doesn't quite understand her concern. I found that kind of funny. :) One other thing that really hit me about this topic is that, just like everything else in marriage, you should put the needs of your partner first. My professor really emphasized how important it is to take things slow if a partner isn't comfortable with something, and to be gentle and loving in doing so. I really appreciated that, because in today's world, sex is symbolized as something that comes on as passionate and fast when people are in love. But I agree with my professor, that sex is sacred, and should be treated as such. A special act of love between husband and wife, lawfully and legally married.

Marriage and Children What are we getting ourselves into?

I learned SO much this week! We learned about how to adjust to marriage, and how to adjust when children come. Many of the things that I especially liked were the little things that we need to adjust to, such as different internal clocks (some people are morning people, while others are night owls) as well as sleeping in the same bed, some people (like me) get cold really easy, while others have a really high body temperature. I found that one really funny, because I can guarantee my future husband will probably want to sleep as far away from me as he can so he doesn't sweat to death. One of the other adjustments I found interesting was different eating habits. As a future wife, I want to be able to cook good meals for my husband, and have him enjoy them. If we both have different eating habits, that's going to be really hard. As well as finding things to do when I need my alone time. We also talked about how people who are major gamers don't have very successful marriages, because they don't have the same interaction with each other as other couples do, using games to connect rather than being physically together.

Adjusting to children
I have recently seen a friend go through some hard adjustments to the birth of her first child. Many times, women end up taking care of the child, and the husband feels left out and underappreciated, becuase he is no longer getting all of the attention, and doesn't know how to interact with the newborn child, seeing it as the main responsibility of the wife. The wife in turn, feels like she is the expert at child rearing, and doesn't allow the husband to get involved, many times turning to her own mother for assistance. Some of the things that we learned in order to help both the father and mother feel more involved and appreciated with the before, during, and after process's of the birth of a new baby were these:

What are five specific things wives can do to engage their husbands fully before, during and after delivery of their child?

•        Involve husband in prenatal checkups
• • Prenatal bonding events
  • Husband takes precedence over others
  • Shared responsibilities
  • Creative ways for husband to bond
• What are five things a husband can do to engage fully before, during and after their child is born?
• Plan carefully for changes
• Don’t forget spouse’s needs
• Boost/support
• Take turns with tasks
• Express love/appreciation

Dating, Courtship, and Marriage. What to expect.

This week we learned about the Laws of Attraction, four different types of love, and Choosing a life partner. Of course these were all very interesting topics to me, seeing as I am still single, and seeking. But a few points I would like to share are these:

Laws of Attraction
1. You tend to marry those who are close to you-whether you meet them around your neighborhood, through shared friends, or at school. You can't marry someone you've never met. :p
2. Similarity-Do you have the same values, personality, and religion as the person you're wanting to get to know? If you are similiar in these things (you laugh at the same jokes, you have the same goals about religion and school, you have similiar personalities) then you are more likely to have a successful marriage. After all, the way you start a marriage is the way that it continues, and you begin to establish the kind of marriage you are going to have long before you're married. Let me interject with a short example:

Amy and Adam were dating. They enjoyed watching movies together, and more often than not, Adam would come over to Amy's house to watch a movie, while she cooked dinner for them. During their engagement, they talked about what would occur. Adam would be the provider in the family, and Amy would stay at home to take care of the house and children. However, when marriage finally comes, it turns out that Amy is the one providing, while Adam sits at home. Why did this happen? They talked about it right? Yes, but their patterns were already set before they even got married. Amy was always the one providing dinner, while Adam came to her house to watch movies. Do you see why this step is so important? Patterns established during courtship determine the kind of marriage you are going to have later on.
3. Physical attraction-This one is pretty much self-explanatory. ;) You first find interest in someone based on looks.
These next three steps are important things to look for as well, when choosing a life partner.
1. Togetherness-Do you have a wide range of activities that you both enjoy doing together?
2. Talk- Also called disclosure. Can you be open with each other about your feelings, past, ect. Is there trust?
3. Time- Generally we only begin to get to know someone at a minimum of 3 months.

All in all, focus on what's most important when seeking a life partner. Someone who will support you in your endeavors, someone who is kind, someone who enjoys being around you, and share the same beliefs and values as you. But also be aware that both of you will change as the relationship progress's, and you will each have to adapt to the other in order to allow growth and fullfillment in your marriage. It takes hard work, not just compatibility.

Gender Roles in Family Life and Homosexuality

The week before last we learned about gender roles among males and females, and how that applies to family interaction. Some of the things that stuck out particularly to me were the main differences between males and females. A few are listed below:

Females: Relationship Oriented, emotional communication, develop language earlier, stronger verbally, remember things relationally, are more relationship-activity based, and have more white matter in their brains.

Males: More aggressive, physical communication, develop language later, are less verbal, remember things spacially, are more interested in object activities (sports) and have more gray matter in their brains.

These differences may make it difficult to interact at times, but they are divinely appointed. Mothers were given the divine role of nurturing their children. They are more aware of the facial cues from their infants, and how to meet their needs. They also tend to orient their children inward, closer to themselves. Fathers on the other hand are able to compartmentalize. They have the ability to do work at work, and home at home. And while mothers tend to keep their children close, fathers orient their children outward, towards the world. Such as encouraging them to get an education and start a successful career. But all in all, if both parents work together to raise their children, and become better individually and as a couple, they will be even more equipped to handle the difficulties in life, and those which are divinely appointed.

One other thing that I found really interesting in class was the topic of homosexuality. The Family Proclamation states that men are to Preside, Provide, and Protect their families, and as such as born with the desires to do so. But sometimes, if they have a difficult time connecting to other men, or have an experience where they feel emotions towards another man, they may confuse that with being Homosexual. They confuse intimacy (the idea of being close, known, and understood by someone) with the feelings of being romantic, and thus decide that it must mean they are "gay." For those of you out there who are struggling with being Homosexual, and don't know where to start in your journey of  figuring out who you are, might I suggest four steps that may be of use to you.

1. Much of what you experienced is based on your conclusions.
2. Stop the madness-You have to learn how to stop the behavior.
3. Find a good counselor who can teach you how to form appropriate intimacy with same gender as friends.
4. You must learn how to express your emotions appropriately.

Finally, know that your Heavenly Father loves you. He wants you to have the opportunity to be a husband and father, and fullfill your divine role of manhood. But He also understands that in order to recieve Eternal Life, raise children, and fullfill your needs, your must be keeping the commandments to the best of your ability. Don't lose hope. For those of you wanting to change, it is possible.

The Culture of Christ

I absolutely LOVED this topic of culture and what it means to be equally valid in our divine destinies. Although we all have different cultures, and not all of us grow up with the same beliefs, we all can try our best to help those around us to become better and adapt their cultures to the culture of Christ. During this week, we read an article about Hispanic families from Mexico and how difficult it is for them to not only come to America, but survive here with their families. This one especially touched my heart because I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in North Virginia among the Hispanic people. I learned their language, about the different cultures they practice in their respective cultures, and taught them about the culture of Christ, which we all share. It was a touching experience to see what kinds of conditions these people lived in, and how difficult it had been for them to leave their families in their countries. One woman I know had to leave her two daughters in Honduras while she came to the states to find a job. She left when they were 3 and 5 years old, expecting to see them again in a year or two. Ten years passed, and she told us how excited she was to finally go back and see them now that they were 13 and 15. We were happy for her, and that she had that opportunity. But I could never imagine having to do that in order to try and give my children a better life. What about you readers? Would you move to another country to try and start a better life for your family? Have you? Feel free to share experiences or stories if you like. One last thought. As a member of the LDS church, we believe in the Book of Mormon as well as the Bible. There is a passage that I absolutely love, and know to be true. A Book of Mormon prophet named Lehi taught this truth.

2nd Nephi 2: 6 "Wherefore, I, Lehi, prophesy according to the workings of the Spirit which is in me, that there shall^anone come into this land save they shall be brought by the hand of the Lord."

Theory is as Theory does

This past week in my family relations class, we learned about the different kinds of theories that influence the family. There are four types which are: Family Systems Theory, Exchange Theory, Symbolic Interaction Theory, and Conflict Theory. Family Systems Theory talks about the family as a whole, but each individual brings a different part and role to the family. For example, I described my own family as a Circus.

My dad is the Ringmaster of our family. He is the “most visible performer in the modern circus, and among the most important, since he stage-manages the performance, introduces the various acts, and guides the audience through the entertainment experience.” This definition fits him perfectly. Although he enjoys being the center of attention, he is also reliable and always willing to help other family members succeed. Although we may not always like his advice, or the way he presents it, he is well intentioned. He clashes a lot with my mom, and they have had to work hard for the marriage they share, but they are very loyal, and still very much in love.

My mom is the Juggler. She is always juggling everyone else’s lives, and never seems to get any time for herself. Because of this, she is easily stressed. My mom tends to enjoy the company of her children and husband one on one rather than all at once. But with her family of origin, she gleans tons of energy from being with all 10 of her siblings and then some!

 I am the Tight rope walker. I always seem to be the “balancer” when things go wrong in my family, or two people are fighting.I am also one to keep to myself at times, and just watch others interact, or the “bystander”

Jack is the Lion Tamer. He is a hard worker when put to the task, but also enjoys “living on the edge”. He seems to be the “rebel” of our family, and tends to find trouble.He is also kindhearted, and easy to talk to. He is always willing to lend an ear or shoulder to those who are struggling in the family.

Simon is the clown of the family. Although he doesn’t seem to take the spotlight very often, everything that seems to come out of his mouth is hilarious. He is always trying to make people laugh, and tends to not have to work very hard for his keep. Or rather, doesn’t. Simon is also very easygoing, and gets along with all members of the family.

Emilie is the Horse Trainer of the family. She is always bossing everyone else around and expects us to obey her. But she is also adventurous and fun. Because she has a way of making it sound like she is constantly putting others down, the family has a difficult time having “normal” conversations with her. But she means well.

We can’t forget our Hippo Tilly (Olde English Bulldogge) or our Dancing Poodle Pearl! :)

Exchange Theory is when the costs are lower than the rewards, or in other words you only continue to do things for each other if you both get something out of it. Symbolic Interaction Theory is where people create meaning out of cognitive processes such as: My husband clearly doesn’t love me because he’s always teasing me or telling me what to do with my time. Whereas the husband is thinking, I sure think its cute when my wife gets that mad look on her face, I think I’ll tease her again! And if she gets everything done on time, we’ll have more time to spend together doing fun things. Each person creates or assumes someone else’s intentions from every interaction that they experience. Finally, Conflict Theory is when power may be covert or subtle, but all couples have differences in opinion. Whether or not there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong from an outsider’s perspective. It was a very interesting theme, and I kept thinking about my own interactions with family members and friends, and how each of these theories applies to those relationships. 

The Divine Institution of Marriage

This past week we discussed an article published by the ADA on the topic of homosexual and heterosexual couples, and if having two mom's or two dad's verses the traditional family of one mom and one dad, had any effect on children. Most of the study was done comparing homosexual couples to single mother families, which I found to be a little odd. Wouldn't they have wanted to do a comparison group of heterosexual couples to homosexual couples in order to get to the answer they were looking for?

Of course my personal opinion is that it makes sense to me that children would do better in a heterosexual home, because God created us Male and Female, and thus with very different gender roles that we each bring to a marriage, and to our children individually. As the Family: A proclamation to the World states, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." 

Importance of Family

I had no idea how important the family was to me until I served a full time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and truly gained a testimony of how the family is central to God's great plan of happiness. After gaining that insight, and truly internalizing it, I came home and realized how much I love my family, and how grateful I am to them for not only raising me in the gospel, but also being great examples of living it themselves. I hope all of you find this blog beneficial in learning about the family, and what we can do to enrich the lives of those around us.

~Tina